Bonds and Frequencies

Recently I have been doing too many things and yet I find this space. The space to print about the bonds that pretend like they don't exist but know that they do.


It is a strange feeling that years go by and people move on and find newer companions to surround themselves with. However, somewhere deep down there seems to prevail a connection.


A connection so deep rooted that sometimes I feel if that did not exist, a shade of me will be lost. Is that the unison sublimeness at its pinnacle? Or perhaps a display of not letting go the demons from the past ?


Nostalgia from the schooling days, the cement structure that might seem to some but memories to me where its corners boasted of gossips with friends and the lobbies resonated with chatter and cheer from students walking across.


The town where nothing progressed but I found the best life had to offer. The town I couldn't wait to quit as a teenager and now I can't wait to see, feel and inhale the fragrant sand it offers when people, animals and vehicles pass by.


Friends who I haven't seen in years and yet they enter my dreams as if I was with them yesterday and are with me supporting me in everything I do and pulling up on things that may not seem the best for me.


Parents, who I think about each day and pray for their health and happiness.  They support me through their spirit and look after me like I was just a baby and wrapped up in the warmth of a blanket in the embrace of my mother.

And lastly, the annoying frequency from someone unknow or someone who I know too well. The frequency that keeps tuning in and over powering me in what I do, how I think and why I do things the way I do.

I do admit that the last paragraph is a bit eerie in taste but when one is being engulfed and empowered by a soul they don't know it does carry an element of recharge with it.

So far, I am enjoying being in its protection ... Awaiting to see what life unfolds!

Raabta - reasons that heart knows not

Raabta - A song that brings me to tears... 

Kehte hain:
Khuda ne iss jahaan mein
Sabhi ke liye kisi na kisi ko hai banaaya
har kisi ke liye
Tera milna hai uss rab ka ishaara 
Maano mujhko banaya tere jaise hi kisi ke liye

Kuch toh hai tujh se raabta 
Kuch toh hai tujh se raabta
Kaise hum jaane, hume kya pata
Kuch toh hai tujh se raabta
Tu humsafar hai
Phir kya fikar hai
Jeene ki wajah hi yehi hai
Marna issi ke liye

Soul searching

Here I am

Soul searching again

With droplets of rain

And early morning dew

Only one missing is you 

You touched my soul 

My tears,my whole

Then we stayed in our being 

And here I am recounting that feeling 

But woes of gloom surround me 

The droplets of rain pour the pain 

It hurts to know that I'll never see you again

It hurts even more that I'll never rest my head on your shoulder and share my pain

The streets I walk will be alone forever

With no stars seen together not now, not ever

The thought of death on my own grapples me with fear and you nowhere in sight
Death was to do us part and now it's just us living our parts

No twinkle in my eyes, no soft smile across my face

It hurts to accept that life will be this

It pains even more that there is no tomorrow

While we had our chance we missed the choice and
 life now has other choices.

This I never imagined, to be shunned

be stilled and be muted in feelinggs not once but twice

It perhaps is bygone and pointless reeling and mourning
The price I paid I suppose, in being nice

Time shall heal and so shall I wait

With all the love and not any hate!

Here I am soul searching again

With joys and sorrows all but in vain!

Loving from afar

Just finished reading the book loving from afar by Mona Ingram. It was indeed after a long time that I took to reading a romantic novel. Generally a technology packed magazine or a crime fiction find more space in my library then the "knight in shining armour "novels. 

A run of the mill romantic book with lots of sadness but a happy ending. 

Good luck to those who can turn a sad story into a bright ending ! Well of course that is the point of such novels.. Who wants to read reality anyway ? 

In my humble opinion people who love from afar is where they stay and should stay ! Along the way they create memories and that is what they take with them when it is time to bid adieu. 

An OK commute novel ! 

Dedication

When distance makes it hard and decisions make it impossible, wishes and hopes portray the best! Here is wishing ... Your wishes to be true! 

I am who I think I should be

In a world full of connectivity tools, social media and a raft of talk and text applications it is almost impossible  to breakaway completely from the always "on-line" state!

It all starts with toddlers and extends all the way to the seniors. A two year old child watching nursery rhymes and singing and dancing to the video on a tablet. A five year old playing a game of "hungry crocodile" on a smartphone, a ten year old watching youtube tutorials on mine craft on his PC, a group of 10 year olds watching the same tutorials but with shared smart devices or sharing an online presence! A teenager, texting and talking with his friends! He then pauses a little before each time he responds. A lover constantly checking the chat window waiting for his/her lover to respond! The corporate executive crunching emails on their mobile while at the dinner table. 

Yes there are umpteen number of articles capturing the action they missed around and outside  the phone/tablet or PC while their focus was drawn completely into their screen and out to another soul somewhere in cyberspace. So I won't be elaborating on that since we know all too well what it could or could not have been that they missed then. 

However, I am more willing to concentrate on the fact that each virtually connected inidividual is online but with pauses. They hold a bag of voluntary and involuntary pauses. I refer to that pause as "image building" time. I almost feel that the generation in the modern era is so spontaneous in making information available with Google and other searc engines  that it is forgetting the art of delivering information spontaneously. 

While we pause to respond to a message... We write, backspace, restyle, edit, check, re-read and then print! Would we have got so much time to think about our response of it were a face to face chat? Certainly not! So why are we not letting others perceive us as who we are ? Why do we want them to perceive us as who we may not be but like to be.

I am... Because I Text... Says no one... But this is getting more to be a fact than a quote dwelling in my imagination. These gadgets are making us control freaks! We have started living in a world of programmed emotions! We are deceiving ourselves in the perception of our very own self! The containment of emotions and restructuring them to more impressive responses will let itself lose in other ways! These other ways... Is something that I am still studying about.. 

More to come... Stay tuned!

Cheers

Meghna

Traditions

So year on year we attend our son's annual school function and see him grow, learn and transform into a better performer. 

This year as I was dropping him off back stage in preparation for his act, he said, "Mum, just leave me at the front door, I'll manage the rest." I could not believe the words! I smirked and said, " it's our tradition darling, can't let you go just like that!"

The 9 year old suddenly changed into a teenager when he said, " One day...I'll be big enough to take myself in, mum!" With minimal fanfare I bid him adieu, wished him luck and receded to my car. 

Before heading back and starting the car engine my mental pause catapulted into a physical pause leaving me to recapture the whole episode again. The rewinding took less than 2 seconds but has perhaps left a stamp on forever. 

There are always traditions and then there is life. I believe as a parent, I need to learn to be more accomodating in his independence and his ability to thrive and prosper as an individual and not just under my shadow.

Three hours and 7 different performances later he came out all smiling, recharged and a winner. I must admit I had the proudest smile on my face. 

I'll probably leave my son at the front door next year...and I will leave a bit of my over protectiveness at the back door. 

Dedicated to all mothers who find it hard to let go - just like me! 

Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts [Official Music Video]

One of my favorite (blogger forces me to spell in American English) songs.... has been for quite some time. I believe this singer is missing the due credits she deserves.

Sunshine

The monsoon went by, the skies were still grey and the soil damp from rain last night. My spirits were more damp than the soil and the rays escaping through the clouds captured the glorious movements of a colourful butterfly. My spirit swayed between the gloom and shine. After a few minutes, gloom gave in and the warmth of the shine took over. Does seem like if its a dancing butterfly that can take away the gloom - life is all too simple, isn't it? Well, perhaps not. To me that dancing butterfly is my spirit, to me that is the willingness to see past the gloom, the courage to look for sunshine. 

The moon still shone and the sun trickling through through it prowess! Representing the two shades of life and here I stand with all my questions which belong to all shades in-between. Amongst all this the butterfly still looks as elegant in its style and its ephemeral beauty.I do have a lot to learn and even more to achieve. 

Re-blogging

The year 2014 marks the 3rd anniversary of my abstinence from blogging. Time to call the penning drought off... time to rain my thoughts, feelings and nothingness.

The last few years saw a lot of changes in my life, family, work and just about everything that surrounds me. Changes are always good.. they invigorate, challenge, set aspirations, they make me do "more". A very personal change has also come about...so personal that I can say that it has changed me forever. It has stacked in me layers of patience and the resilience to be strong and not be hurt or not let anyone hurt me.

I think about so many women who surrender to these changes but then I think of others who make the change work for them. Women who see light at the end of the tunnel, accept the change with arms wide open and hearts opened up even wider. Whilst submission seems comforting in the short term, to me the "soul-call" overpowers that and energizes the mind and body to not cave in! To survive.. to propser and to accomplish.

Over the weekend my son and I were playing the card game UNO and the first game we played he lost. He was devastated, tears were running down his eyes and his disgruntled look brought out the preacher in me to step up. My first reaction was.. to wind up and not play anymore than my mental shelving placed motherhood on the top rack and I could find myself dealing another round of cards for the next game. As we played I kept on saying how much fun it was to play and learn cool new tricks as oppose to just win out of sheer luck. Three games went by, my son couldn't turn the odds in his favour... but the transition I noticed in him from one game to the other was his attitude. To me it read like... "Bring it on.... I'll learn... dooesn't matter if I win or lose". The fourth game he won and won purely due to his strategy. I lost and won at the same time. My son now knows that a whole lot of losing can make him win in the end if the right efforts are re-directed in the right direction.

Changes in life are pretty much like a lost game... its jut time to revisit the moves and reconsider the end goals. Whilst some may see the goals diffrently to others... its the vision that counts. The vision of being true to ones' self. The spirit to combat with one's own surrendering and the willingness to accept these changes as a way forward. I am dealing with one such change right now and digging for powers within me to not just exist.. but exist with a purpose, a smile, an objective and exist to be happy.

Catching up on leftover lift ups

Between a full time job, a non school going child and house chores today I decided was the day to catch up on some much needed "me time". No, not the sort of time most people have in mind  like cosmetic pampering, sauna, a pedicure and french tips. Although most mothers would dream of such time the reality is quite the contrast!

My "me time" is a time to mentally re-organize my to do list, to re-map the short and long term goals, to reassess my barometer for satisfaction and happiness in general and lastly have a cup of tea while reading my unfinished book without anyone screaming in my ears every twenty seconds "Mom...."

For years I have been a believer of this mini break which energizes my inner core to focus with a fresh approach, to think differently and embrace a different angle on the situation I may be in at the time.  Up until now it was a self cultivated unpublished process that healed me. However, now I would like you to understand what this minisode like time break can do for you.

So, if you are reading this, take some time off if you feel you are caught in a rut, sometimes even the weekends can feel quite demanding.  If you are afraid to be all by yourself because self confrontation is too hard; break the barrier, let you be you! Do something that you always wanted to do but have never been able to. Explore a new coffee shop, buy a little something from the shop you always window peeped and never walked in! Drive in the by lanes you always thought of exploring.

After doing all or at least some of the above feel what you feel! Let it run through you! Rejuvenation will be the feeling!

The choice of change

In a maze called life change is inevitable; be it social, financial, emotional or locational. It may feel like we are lost only to be found later. It becomes so much an integral part of us that subconsciously we chop and change ourselves a little within each time.

With change comes the unknown. With the unknown comes the need to step up. With the need to step up comes the uncharted waters. With the uncharted waters comes the big wave. With the big wave comes that adrenaline and that adrenaline rush is what brings out the best in us.

Its hard to change and even harder to change for the better. But if we can learn to conquer this; nearly half our battle is won.

Signing off with the courage to change
Meghna

Mirrors and Mirages

Summer has started here and hills are not far from where I live. One afternoon as I was going to pick my son from Crèche travelling through a hilly road I realized I witnessed a mirage. Co-incidentally I was also checking my rear view mirror at the same time. A thought flashed through my mind "mirrors and mirages" so similar yet so different.


Mirrors tell us what us what we don't want to see. Mirages show us what we can't see.

Without light mirages don't exist; without light mirrors stand no appeal.

Mirrors and Mirages both reflect be it an image or oasis.

Mirrors takes every image of the onlooker; Mirage creates an image for every onlooker only limited to their imagination.

Blending in and flowing apart, sometimes a mirror, sometimes a mirage and some times me. Only so much to indite from my own reflections.

Majority, Median and Mediocrity

Just recently I have been reading short stories by Anthon Chekov and his biography. Somewhere I remember reading where he mentioned practising medicine will always be his first wife and writing his second.For me, thinking about and following politics is like second marriage. Sometimes I can't believe myself when I make up passwords based on the constituencies in the country. (Trust me you will never run out of passwords)

Today we had the state election, about 6 months ago federal. Both the elections have resulted in hung parliaments. Last year Canada and Britain had their elections as well and they resulted in hung parliaments too. Can this be classified as the general trend of equal support for each party or people just choosing to be their own leaders? Or are the people,world over fed up of two faced politicians in general?

The parties are fighting for a majority from median votes to deliver mediocre service. What sort of system is that? A precedence of 1 vote over 50 gives them the power. But in my mind I ponder, the power to what? The power to rule, the power to exercise power. Just one more vote, does it really make them a people's choice leader? Yes, they might be on their toes for the remainder of the term, yes they may have to come up with tactics to woo the Nationals and the Greens but in doing so, are they really fighting for the people or them?

Most politicians now a days talk about being positive, reducing the carbon footprint, developing alternative green resources etc. But none talk about the rising cost, the black hole projects that never resulted in anything, the youth and their issues. These are the real day to day issues that most of us are faced with. Yes, they might look at the long term but at the cost of what? Only for our issues to catapult into one big canon till it blasts?

In Two...

In two minds is everything
to ring or not to ring

In two minds is to rise and shine
or may be just cry and whine

In two minds is to flow with tide
or simply just stand with pride

Forsake my fear
Embrace my dear

Until again tomorrow morn
In two minds do I wake again!

Lazy Alibi

Just recently we got a treadmill hoping that being winter it will be easy for me to jog indoors and work out every day. In actual fact, I was just closing the door on another excuse of being a "busy girl" and not go to the Gym. For those of you who do not already know, I enrolled for a 3 month membership at the Gym and used it only once. Yes, you read it right, ONLY ONCE.

I am trying to imbibe the treadmill in my life-style but my lazy alibi keeps on filling in for me. By now I have crowned myself to be the queen of procrastination and have on a perennial basis left tread-milling to the bottom of the barrel. But what I know is that what’s good for now is not as comforting but is something I will have to embrace to be healthy longer.

To help me undertake this mammoth change my husband has been really accommodating and encouraging. Without him I would have probably just have had the tread-mill as a non-artistic mechanical bling lying around the house. But, since I have decided to pull in my epitomic best for this endeavour; I have decided to spray it in the form of this blog and everyday I continue on with my exercising regime I am going to update the counter.

Start Date; 24th April 2009.
No of Days I exercised: 3/8
Last Updated: 02/05/2009

Shin-Shan-Chee!

Tonight, while I was getting my 2.5 year child to go to bed; with the night lamp switched on, he noticed his own silhouette. For a moment he was scared and rapidly snuggled into me. Noticing his curiosity, I couldn't help but ask him what got him so worried. In plain English he replied, "Mummy, there is a lion there."

Instantly my motherly instinct decided that no analogy in the world will help him explain the reality and may be actions will speak louder than words. I formed a deer out of my fingers and a dog and the concept was driven home like quick sand. "Milestone achieved" was my mental response. But may be I was over-joyous prematurely. The next request came as, " Can you make a Shin-Shan-Chee?" My sleepish mind was eating my brain cells and could not easily comprehend what Shin-Shan-Chee was?? So, gave him a few options of what he wanted me to make a silhouette of?? End result, no joy! Suddenly in the darkness of night, it dawned may be he is asking me to make a Chimpanzee and that it was!! Jubilant as I was, made a haggard Chimp that sparked a smile on my child's face. Suddenly, I found myself trying to teach him how to say the word Chimpanzee (don't ask me what happened to bed-time hour!).

The mini speech therapy class saw all versions from Shan-shee-zee to Chin-Zee to See-nap-chi. After about 7 trials he said it’s not Shin-Shan-Chee its Chimpanzee and that was the real victory our radiant sleepy eyes sought. Ten minutes later, he was in an infectious slumber which I have resisted to blog my brain-wave.

What got me contemplating was; where was the real victory? His understanding of a silhouette; me trying to learn his language or he trying to say the word "Chimpanzee"? Whatever, it may be it gave me a real lift. These things may not be of great significance as compared to international space stations being upgraded by a commuting crew virtually every month and IP V6 (the new lot of IPs soon to be released) underway or the G20 summit in London trying to scoop everyone out of the GFS.

But what really matters to me is the inner joy of sharing, the joy of seeing your own kind flourish, the joy where the end objective is upgraded knowledge and the joy that you were able to satiate your off-spring's quest for information.

And by the way, its still night; and I think I can catch up on some good sleep!

Today.. I lost you

Today... I lost you. Yes,we have'nt spoken for years but I had always been missing you. Yes, you were always on my mind. But NOT anymore and if at all may be with sadness. I will miss "the missing". I will miss what we never shared or just dreaming about the same.

We spoke.. a lot but never heard each other. We walked a lot but not long enough to be in other's lives. We shared a lot but with confined boundaries. We comforted each other a lot... only to hurt within.

Now that you are gone and have no one to talk to, sets me to ponder Why am I thinking of you? Why am I even writing this? Why am I not with peace within myself? What is still hurting in me.. myself or the thought that I will never speak to you again??

P.S. I am waiting

Here I go furiously printing again as the jumbled up thoughts in my brain unfold into lines and then paragraphs.

Life is a story; as we all know and episodes are non exhausting till we live. But the line betweeen one episode and the other is so fine and faint that we are unable to realize that we need move on to the next chapter.

My battle within me today is to identify why am I waiting? For who am I waiting? Why am I pining everyday? How am I going to get what I want when I myself don't know what I want? They say no body knows you as much as you know yourself and no mind reader has the crystal ball to your thoughts; but then how come some of us are so confused and wait for someone to initiate and then blindly follow.

Just few days ago I came across a lady who lost the love of her life. Since then she has been waiting. It immediately reminded of Hillary Swanks in the movie P.S. I love you... the way she kept on feeling her husband Jerry around her even after he died. The only difference is that my friend's partner was alive and probably happy with his new life.

But in a way I am glad that unlike me atleast she knows what she is waiting for... unlike me she has something to look forward to. Unlike me she knows that the dream she has even with her eyes wide open is the same as the reality she once lived. But what would you do if the dreams you once dreamt seem so unreal that even with the eyes closed they seem fuzzy??

Mama Mia....

Yes, I am a proud mother. It’s not very nice of me to kick-off something emotional and touchy with blatant pride, is it? But I just can't help it as that’s what I feel and that’s what my linguistically challenged mind is capable of describing in a One-liner. Over centuries scores of women have undergone the same elation of motherhood and may have endeavoured to portray it in different forms of expression. With me, I became pregnant again straight after my child's birth only this time I was embryonic with oodles of creativity. Therefore, this piece of writing.

The transition from being a girl to a mother is a bit like playing hop scotch, there is always the next big leap to exemplify and the hop back square if the point wasn't driven home. The only difference is that in this maternal bliss there are no time-breaks, much against any mother's wishes. At first, it was ecstatic realization of being a mother and then my emotions kept swinging with record highs and lows of joy and responsibility. Since the day my baby boy landed in my lap; laps of comfort and cuddles are what I have been blessed with. He changed my life since his first breath on earth. The first snuggle, the first smile and the first smelly poo!

I started singing nursery rhymes and found how many words I was missing when I sung it as a child. What the rhymes actually meant and not just act it out because the teacher tells you to do so! I am also giving the poet in me a shot and composing poetries out of no where! The Giraffe and the Lion can be friends in my story and the Cow and Cat both say “Moo” if my baby gives me a tough time! The turtle can sit on hippo’s back and take a ride across the river in my baby’s bubbly bath!The mid-night lullabies conquered my insecurities of motherhood while I was soothing my bub to fall asleep. I now know that colours are not only there to be mixed in a tub but light up the baby's nursery and make him feel at home. I know that we are highly intelligent species and can develop skills which we normally depend on all our life, within the first 12 months of existence. I have also learnt that patience is the biggest key to parenting and no matter what; patience is the only way to contain the storm bursting within me. Time is the greatest reliever –true, but not just true it’s the eternal statement to serenity and letting the optimistic side in me conquer its counterpart.

The tiny hands and feet that I cuddle all the time and sometimes can't resist a tiny bite on his cheek, I wonder how big they will soon grow and carve out a fine gentleman out of him. I am cherishing every moment of child-raising and will surely miss all this in the years to come! To give him comfort and happiness is now what I wish for till my last breath. To raise him to be a dignified human is now what I am responsible for till he can learn to fly on his own just like a bird.