Waqt kambakth

Behkhudi nahi, h yeh kasmakash

Kuch pal aaye aur waqt Jesé theher hi gaya kambakhat

Na aankhe Mili , naa hi Andaaz,

na awaaz ki hui khanak, 

bus hum to sirf  khwab mei hi Gaye behak…kuch vaade hue aur kuch tabdiliya, Chund lamhe hi sahi lekin lazmi raha aapko kehna Humara shukriya!

Na tanhayee khatam hui aur na hi Milne ki arzoo lekin mil kar bhi akele hi rahe hum, na milke bhi Juda bhi toh nahi ho paye hum!

Humne  mani shikast aur phir sunai gayee woh nazm jis me kabhi aap shamil the, lekin aaj usme woh ruh kaha, bus ek Mausam ka afzana suna aur tanhayee ki kahani ! 

Behkhudi nahi, h yeh kasmakash

Kuch pal aaye aur waqt Jesé theher hi gaya kambakhat

- writing after ages …Meghna

Pancakes

It was late at night! Miguel had starved the whole day! He entered the empty house, the pancake batter and few pancakes lay still there! The smell of vanilla essence brought back her memories!

It was the worst day of his life! The call came through on the way home! The cops called him and summoned him to the police station to identify a corpse. He entered the police station and made the heaviest walk of his life through to the morgue! She hadn’t rung him the whole day! The anticipation of what he may witness next was running shivers down his spine. She was going to take the car to the grocers to buy the flour for pancakes! 

He reached the morgue, they pulled drawer no 6338 and there she lay frozen but yet at peace! They said the flour and maple syrup spread everywhere on her and the car as she hit her head in the car after a crash!  Miguel’s world shook upside down. He wanted to die himself, a myriad of emotions flew through him and his whole life with her flashed before his eyes! Silence, silence is what he felt, nerve chilling silence. 

Miguel completed the formalities and left the station. Drove to his house with more questions than ever before! He did not have the mental capacity to digest any of this! He wanted peace and yearned for the pancake that she would have made if things were normal today! 

Miguel entered the house the smell of the pancake brought back her memories.

Forever

Harmony and Evan met after 20 years. They talked, listened taking turns and also let silence do the talking. They melted within for a while reminiscent of the past, reliving the years apart in a few moments!

Evan conquered the world and Harmony grew wiser from a teenage girl to mother and a wife. Both were successful and found partners that were supportive and loving!

After several hours there was nothing to talk but the alarming thing was the chats didn’t feel the same. The companionship felt aloof and the “US” in them went missing. The more they spoke, the further apart they felt to her! Evan went through his own mental journey - partially disappointed and completely in disbelief! The one he yearned for 20 years... doesn’t feel the same... moving on seems finally an option! The next minute the teenager in him jumped, denying to let go, challenging reality from what his heart believed!

Evan being Evan, suddenly, held out his hand for Harmony to hold - this time forever! Harmony simply held her daughter in her arms, kissed Evan on the forehead and walked away - this time FOREVER!

A turn.... or an eye opener

{Late Post - I was hospitaled last week - but the post took longer to appear}


I must admit this year my visits to the blog have significantly increased perhaps due to the abundantly overflowing writing juices and also me finding the time on multiple occasions.

So as I lay in my hospital bed in a surprisingly comfortable hospital room, I thank my surgeon and her team for being the miracle workers they are and for allowing me (by the virtue of sanity post-operation despite the gruesome pain) to imprint some of my thoughts into this blog.

Surgeries can be painful and the recovery to health even more, but when someone is blessed by awesome family and  a precious bunch of friends, the pain seemingly impacts less. It almost creates occassions and experiences that introduces a filter between the fair-weather friends and the real ones. The ones that care and the ones that seemingly appear to care. Whilst this concept of telling the worldly wise people from the the ethereally beautiful may be evident to most as part of their people interaction 101, to me this was quite a bit of an education.

On a different note, while the medical chaos and the surgical conundrums were coming to an end - I experienced an event that confirmed that bygones are bygones and need to be left there.  I also experienced that "Life has a plan" whether we like it or otherwise.... "LIFE ALWAYS HAS A PLAN!!" To quote Soren Kierkegaard - “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” So simple and true.



Without needing to delve into the nitty gritty of the situation - the juxtaposition between my expactation and reality was rather sharp. What baffles me as humans is the need to perceive things as convenient when we need it and then change the rule and be "all grown up" when it comes to someone other then themselves. Myself included I suppose we all meddle the rules as they befit us. 

So, why is it so difficult when we experience that kind of behavior from ones we most love and why can't loving just be uni-directional? In fact, if love expects a two way (emotional, physical and spiritual) street, is it even love ? Or perhaps a barter of sorts?


There are few episodes in life that are best peeled in sections and spoken about at length. And then there are others that just need to be quickly summarized in a few words and left for them to be understood in one's own perspective. My blog takes the latter vein.... so only so much to indite. This may leave a sour after taste... or perhaps an incomplete chain of thoughts... either way ... we say it all when we say nothing at all or in this case... something at least!

Ciao!

Khusfemiya

Lamhe

Behtuki Zindagi!

Faaslo mein nazdeekiya

Aur zindigazi mein takdeer

Dono hi hai betuke

Yeh - ehsaas 

Hai hakikat ya ek khwab?

Jeena toh humne bhi chaha
Gustakhiya toh humse bhi huyi
Lekin jese nikle aftaab har raat
Aur din bhar rahe bekhabar
Wase hi hum bhi aaj kal..
Kuch kehte h aur phir rote h har baar!

Ibadat se ki mohabaat
Aur junoon se kiya ateraaz
Phir kyu aaj kal pata nahi
Dil sunnta hi nahi khudki aawaz!

In lamho mein job goom jo jati hu mein
Koi kasmakash me ghool jaati hu mein
Tareef unki karu ke khudse gila
Kuch behtuki si zindagi aur yeh silsila!

P.S: I apologize in advance to all the great Hindi poets and poetesses... this is my first humble attempt in this language. Just rolled off my keyboard in those words... straight from my heart! 

Following Buddha

Recently my awakening has taken the top most priority in my life and after years of oblivion, I have found the path that will lead me to inner peace, contentment and enlightenment.

I have discovered "Buddha". The Buddha that lives in each one of us. Whilst, I don't fully understand Buddhism and the commitment it needs, what I do understand is that the "role model" I had been in search for all my life ... is no other than "Buddha". I am painted in His wisdom, His profound sense of detachment and His unsurpassed sense of contentment. I absolutely love His advice on "smiling".

They say, to become a follower one has to accept their mentor wholeheartedly and let go of the "ego and pride". Like the enlightened one says, " When you come to a point where you have no need to impress anybody, your true freedom will begin." I arrived at that point when I got to learn of the Great Buddha.

The simplicity in His preaching, combined with immense value to equip me with "Life Skills" leaves me in His awe each time I read something from Dhammapada or Pali Canon.

I revere Him with all my heart and seek to find the truth in everything I do in His footsteps. I will endeavour from here on to live in the "moment", not a minute ahead or gone by. 

Thank you Thathagata for letting me believe that "I can be my own light and that I am complete within me."

Buddham Sharanam Gachammi

My love affair with Almond Croissant

Pre-warning: The blog below can be seriously disturbing to people who look at patisseries glass windows holding the neatly arranged bakery items and desserts and think of the calories rather than the potential it holds to bring foodgasms to people like me!

Years ago my family and I were travelling from Melbourne to Sydney on a vacation and decided to make a brief stop somewhere along the way in a small town (name of the town is still not recallable to me) about 3 hours from Melbourne.  A cafe, no larger than my lounge room (seating area only), was just starting its business for the day. The fragrance of freshly baked goodies and brewing of strong coffee swept the cafe! If aroma could kill, this would be it!

Feeling a bit adventurous and relaxed I ordered an almond croissant along with my large cappuccino. First bite into the croissant and it was as if my taste buds attained nirvana and the craving to devour the pastry in front of me almost quadrupled as I saw myself using the knife and fork unstoppably. In about 10 minutes, 2 more croissant were ordered to share between 4 people.

15 minutes later after the satiation from the epicurean euphoria, it dawned on us that we still had the clock to watch and a schedule to follow. The rest of the family also enjoyed their breakfast and resumed the journey to Sydney. Needless to say the next hour was consumed in singing praises of the culinary skills of the chef and the baker with the almond croissant as the starlet of the chat.

The holiday to Sydney started and it finished with lots of highs and a few lows. On the last day, we started to head to Melbourne in the morning hoping to re-visit the breakfast place once again and savour the breakfast (also try other interesting delicacies from the same café). About 6 hours into the journey I took my iPhone, started google maps and activated zone searches on my current location. My track record with finding things on the internet is pretty good, (I know I see you think I am bragging but believe me its true!) but this time I wasn't so lucky. About 30 minutes went by and I started calling up the bakeries that popped up near me on my phone in the hope of finding that very café and fearing that we don't pass by the café without stopping by.

The minutes turned into hours and we hit the lunch time mark. By now, all of us were so hungry that we stormed into the first good looking neat restaurant and polished the plates without much fuss. The bakery for breakfast stayed a mystery .

At night we reached Melbourne (after a 10 hour drive) and the rut took over. A few weekends passed and we headed out for breakfast in a local Melbourne café. Melbourne being the food capital of Australia, my naïve brain didn't brood much on what I'll  be provided should I order an almond croissant. And so I did.... and boy did I regret. This is where my hunt started. Café after café, bakery after bakery and coffee shops after coffee shops, I ventured everywhere possible to find that taste in an almond croissant which could equal the one I found in that small town en-route to Sydney.

My search expanded from down town CBD to the suburbia, further out to regional towns and even interstate without much luck. :-(. If I had taken pictures of every croissant I had ordered which turned out sub-standard, the blog would run out of space. Additionally, I could get sued for defamation by all the other companies - he he!

About 4 years later, just recently, after a very (read: very) late day at work, at about 7:45pm I  shut down the laptop and headed to the underground station to catch the train. The digital clock showed about 18 minutes to my train. I started strolling inside the station and realized I hadn't had lunch and my stomach was rumbling. At a distance, I could see Hudson coffee and in one of its little glass window sat a voluptuous almond croissant. By now, I was so used to being disappointed each time I ordered it but in my relentless urge to not give up I ordered it one more time (keeping fingers crossed).

I got the "to go" pack and waited patiently for my train. The train arrived and I boarded. As I sat down, my stomach rumbled again. I peeked and gently opened the box, lifted the croissant and had a small bite in apprehension. The feeling that I had when it made its way down in me is indescribable. I could feel the medley of the pastry, butter, sugar and almond meal all dance in unison and create a flavour explosion in my mouth. I couldn't stop eating - bite after bite, flavour bursts - one after another. The crustiness of the pastry along with the smoothness of the almond meal and the crunch from the slivered almonds was as decadent as the croissant I had on my way to Sydney. The satisfaction in me translated to the radiance on my face as I finished eating the croissant and I discreetly put the box back in my backpack and alighted the train to get back home.

The name of the cafe and the town where we halted are still distant to my memory and I'll keep the search on for curiosity. For croissant, I have found a bakery/cafe just three doors down from my office 😊, ain't I blessed?

What I learned from all of this is:

• Sometimes things are so near but they are still not in your horizon. 
• You can throw hundreds or thousands on something that you really want, but if it is destined to be with you, it will just come your way.
• Hope, have hope, its all we need to brighten up the day and look forward for "the better"
• Don't give up, no matter what, its only a matter of time when the winning streak starts
• Lastly, I really really do love almond croissants.... that too only the good ones :-)  

Blahhhhh.....

What I am about to write next is perhaps a splash of some of my unstructured thoughts and feelings that haven't been curated  in the realms of logic, sequencing or linguistic artistry.

However what it does represent is the raw display of internal emotions that contain almost all shades of the rainbow, like a canvas that wants to be painted but had no indication of what will it behold.

So, a few months ago I had a wave of emotional emancipation where the independent and mentally strong me decided that I had to bury the baggage from my past and look forward to that liberation where I was just me and not a girl waiting to belong to someone. Although most people who know me perhaps perceive me to be bold and self confident. They may also think that I depend on no one but me.

But the truth is, for years I have lived with a hollow inside me. The hollow that has gutted me on most nights with lonliness and pain. My past was ruining my present and my future. Everyday I waited for someone to tell me that they were there. That what I was in, was just a phase. But unfortunately that never happened.

 Seasons passed, surroundings changed, my wisdom sprouted and I changed from the girl waiting on the porch to the lady who understood life. The life that is so precious. The one where we only get a single chance to make it right. Life, that taught me changes are a blessing, and disruptions do morph into valuable injections of  "life skills".

At first the transition was an alien feeling. It was me surrendering to years of me "as I knew me" to the new  "me" where letting go was "Okay". Where I didn't have to reprimand myself  in my own eyes. Of course, each day was journey, some days better than others.

After all these months I can truly and earnestly say that being emotionally self sufficient is one of the best feelings I have experienced after being a mom.

Only so much for now..... Will be back for a lot more.!

Ciao....

How true!

Some friends just fade away

(click above to find out what I mean)

Things to say...this & More....

Off late, I find myself listening to this track from Papon often. Reminds me of my teenage years and a lot more .... https://youtu.be/5u56NMsgiZM

Ain't water under the bridge

My latest favourite song. Have no idea how she does it every time !!!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRLbAnuAlxc&feature=share

Pausing in between the rush, the rut and the routine

Year 2017, fast forward 30 days, where did time go?  This is just one month and this will expand into another and then another. Before we know we will be in the next year and then one after that.

They say time waits for no one and so it shouldn't but does that mean to rush in "all is we do" ? My work life recently had some changes and due to that it has been very hectic since the last few months. It was today that I decided to spit the dummy and officially book a day off. A day off literally to do nothing.

It is very unlike me to do this but against all odds, I took a break!


Being a victim of habit even when I stayed at home I had a huge to do list of chores, "the list shall remain unpublished" that I started tracking. Blogging this article was not on the list!

As I crossed off my first item, some unruly thoughts crossed my mind. "What if I chucked in a sicky for my home chores and "REALLY" take the day off to do nothing?" While I was preparing my "TO DO" list on the corner of the note, I had written 3 things, Listen to Music, BREATHE and Have fun in what you do...  (See across)

So I did just that... I heard the music that I hadn't in years, I pulled books from my bookshelf and re-read pages I had marked, I worked with the plants in my garden, made a bouquet from the trimmings, set up my herb pots, cooked, etc. etc.... I really had fun in every thing I did.

And this did not involve a screen, an email or a phone call. It really left me so rejuvenated that its 3:00am and I am still enthusiastic about writing this blog.

The "Me" time breaks are so crucial especially if you are a working mother and always have your life tracking to the clock.

While the time I have lost today is never going to come back but what I have gained in that process is something that I'll never lose.

I want to make this a tradition and squeeze in a "break day" a couple of times a year if I can. Won't call it a resolution since the "due by date" to make resolution is gone past... but will make a sincere attempt.

Bonds and Frequencies

Recently I have been doing too many things and yet I find this space. The space to print about the bonds that pretend like they don't exist but know that they do.


It is a strange feeling that years go by and people move on and find newer companions to surround themselves with. However, somewhere deep down there seems to prevail a connection.


A connection so deep rooted that sometimes I feel if that did not exist, a shade of me will be lost. Is that the unison sublimeness at its pinnacle? Or perhaps a display of not letting go the demons from the past ?


Nostalgia from the schooling days, the cement structure that might seem to some but memories to me where its corners boasted of gossips with friends and the lobbies resonated with chatter and cheer from students walking across.


The town where nothing progressed but I found the best life had to offer. The town I couldn't wait to quit as a teenager and now I can't wait to see, feel and inhale the fragrant sand it offers when people, animals and vehicles pass by.


Friends who I haven't seen in years and yet they enter my dreams as if I was with them yesterday and are with me supporting me in everything I do and pulling up on things that may not seem the best for me.


Parents, who I think about each day and pray for their health and happiness.  They support me through their spirit and look after me like I was just a baby and wrapped up in the warmth of a blanket in the embrace of my mother.

And lastly, the annoying frequency from someone unknow or someone who I know too well. The frequency that keeps tuning in and over powering me in what I do, how I think and why I do things the way I do.

I do admit that the last paragraph is a bit eerie in taste but when one is being engulfed and empowered by a soul they don't know it does carry an element of recharge with it.

So far, I am enjoying being in its protection ... Awaiting to see what life unfolds!

Raabta - reasons that heart knows not

Raabta - A song that brings me to tears... 

Kehte hain:
Khuda ne iss jahaan mein
Sabhi ke liye kisi na kisi ko hai banaaya
har kisi ke liye
Tera milna hai uss rab ka ishaara 
Maano mujhko banaya tere jaise hi kisi ke liye

Kuch toh hai tujh se raabta 
Kuch toh hai tujh se raabta
Kaise hum jaane, hume kya pata
Kuch toh hai tujh se raabta
Tu humsafar hai
Phir kya fikar hai
Jeene ki wajah hi yehi hai
Marna issi ke liye

Soul searching

Here I am

Soul searching again

With droplets of rain

And early morning dew

Only one missing is you 

You touched my soul 

My tears,my whole

Then we stayed in our being 

And here I am recounting that feeling 

But woes of gloom surround me 

The droplets of rain pour the pain 

It hurts to know that I'll never see you again

It hurts even more that I'll never rest my head on your shoulder and share my pain

The streets I walk will be alone forever

With no stars seen together not now, not ever

The thought of death on my own grapples me with fear and you nowhere in sight
Death was to do us part and now it's just us living our parts

No twinkle in my eyes, no soft smile across my face

It hurts to accept that life will be this

It pains even more that there is no tomorrow

While we had our chance we missed the choice and
 life now has other choices.

This I never imagined, to be shunned

be stilled and be muted in feelinggs not once but twice

It perhaps is bygone and pointless reeling and mourning
The price I paid I suppose, in being nice

Time shall heal and so shall I wait

With all the love and not any hate!

Here I am soul searching again

With joys and sorrows all but in vain!

Loving from afar

Just finished reading the book loving from afar by Mona Ingram. It was indeed after a long time that I took to reading a romantic novel. Generally a technology packed magazine or a crime fiction find more space in my library then the "knight in shining armour "novels. 

A run of the mill romantic book with lots of sadness but a happy ending. 

Good luck to those who can turn a sad story into a bright ending ! Well of course that is the point of such novels.. Who wants to read reality anyway ? 

In my humble opinion people who love from afar is where they stay and should stay ! Along the way they create memories and that is what they take with them when it is time to bid adieu. 

An OK commute novel ! 

Dedication

When distance makes it hard and decisions make it impossible, wishes and hopes portray the best! Here is wishing ... Your wishes to be true! 

I am who I think I should be

In a world full of connectivity tools, social media and a raft of talk and text applications it is almost impossible  to breakaway completely from the always "on-line" state!

It all starts with toddlers and extends all the way to the seniors. A two year old child watching nursery rhymes and singing and dancing to the video on a tablet. A five year old playing a game of "hungry crocodile" on a smartphone, a ten year old watching youtube tutorials on mine craft on his PC, a group of 10 year olds watching the same tutorials but with shared smart devices or sharing an online presence! A teenager, texting and talking with his friends! He then pauses a little before each time he responds. A lover constantly checking the chat window waiting for his/her lover to respond! The corporate executive crunching emails on their mobile while at the dinner table. 

Yes there are umpteen number of articles capturing the action they missed around and outside  the phone/tablet or PC while their focus was drawn completely into their screen and out to another soul somewhere in cyberspace. So I won't be elaborating on that since we know all too well what it could or could not have been that they missed then. 

However, I am more willing to concentrate on the fact that each virtually connected inidividual is online but with pauses. They hold a bag of voluntary and involuntary pauses. I refer to that pause as "image building" time. I almost feel that the generation in the modern era is so spontaneous in making information available with Google and other searc engines  that it is forgetting the art of delivering information spontaneously. 

While we pause to respond to a message... We write, backspace, restyle, edit, check, re-read and then print! Would we have got so much time to think about our response of it were a face to face chat? Certainly not! So why are we not letting others perceive us as who we are ? Why do we want them to perceive us as who we may not be but like to be.

I am... Because I Text... Says no one... But this is getting more to be a fact than a quote dwelling in my imagination. These gadgets are making us control freaks! We have started living in a world of programmed emotions! We are deceiving ourselves in the perception of our very own self! The containment of emotions and restructuring them to more impressive responses will let itself lose in other ways! These other ways... Is something that I am still studying about.. 

More to come... Stay tuned!

Cheers

Meghna